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"When
we face and fully become what we are, rather than what we think we should
be, we open rich possibilities for change."
"I
waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He
lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire: he set my feet
on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my
mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their
trust in the Lord. Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust,
who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods."
Psalm 40:1-4
We
are born into a land of mud and mire, a slimy pit of constant turmoil
and the only way out is "JESUS" and he is standing "waiting
with open arms".
I
waited patiently for the Lord growing up but I didn't get the same response
that the people around me got. I didn't know the "Holy Ghost"
nor did anyone explain it to me. Living as a child I knew there was
something missing, avoid, an emptiness, a lack of nourishment but I
couldn't understand what.
As
I got older it seemed like the kids who were doing drugs had all the
girls and fun and I thought that was something I wanted. That interested
me. There was something about their camaraderie, they seemed to be enjoying
themselves. I thought, "Why not? After all only women and kids
go to church."
After
awhile I knew that doing drugs was not filling the void, or the hunger,
or the craving. Finally I had to answer some questions. "Do you
want to end up like your friends?" "You're a yooung man, is
this your future?" To escape I joined the U. S. Army and after
several years in and traveling all over the world, the void was still
there, an unrest, a lack of peace. And it was frustrating!
"Peace
I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world
gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
John 14:27
When
I was at the lowest point in my life (I had thoughts of suicide), I
experienced this peace that passes all understanding. It just came over
me in the midst of my pain. Nothing in my life seemed to be so difficult
that I should be out of control. That was my introduction to His presence.
As I look back on it, I asked God to show himself to me about six months
prior to this depressive state that I was in. I knew at that point that
there was a God!
"Give
thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever. Let the
redeemed of the Lord say this-those he redeemed from the hand of the
foe, those he gathered from the lands, from east and west, from north
and south. Some wandered in desert wastelands, finding no way to a city
where they could settle. They were hungry and thirsty, and their lives
ebbed away. Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he
delivered them from their distress. He led them by a straight way to
a city where they could settle."
Psalm 107:1-7
That
emptiness, the void, the frustruation made me scream out for help! Internally
my inner-man unbeknownst to me, allowed my spirit to direct me to help
in the form of substance abuse treatment. My earlier introduction was
brief. I was in another country and I didn't know the depth of my despair.
I continued to believe that I could do it on my own. After I got out
of the military, I had no direction and I found myself back in yet another
treatment facility with a willingness to surrender and/or try anything.
While attending church in this hospital December of 1995, I gave myself
to God.
As
I listened to a sermon about Jesus' birth, death and resurrection, I
thought, "God told Abraham to take his son up to the mountain and
sacrifice him to his Lord; I didn't know if I would have had that kind
of blind faith. How could I do that to my son?" Then in the New
Testament, God sends His son to be sacrificed for me. I knew that what
I was doing wrong and yet continued to do it. I knew that I was unworthy
and He sent His only son to die for me. Jesus withstood, in his short
life on earth, everything that I've gone through and more! I could actually
feel his presence in my life at that moment - the people spitting, throwing
rocks, cursing and making fun of Him, etc. That type of love was beyond
all reasoning to me.
I
know that I have Jesus in my heart and that is more precious than gold
to me. I've completed the survey of the Old and New Testament and I've
read through the Bible a couple of times. Sometimes I feel that I understand
the Bible so well that I don't want to accept that I'm incorrect. That's
when my "will"gets in the way. The closer that I move in His
direction, the more the Bible talks to me; and to understand and not
follow what I know to be correct regardless of how insignificant is
scary.
"I
do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but
what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that
the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it but it
is sin living in me." Romans 7:15-17
As
a new baby in Christ and not being strong enough to wear the full armor
I was easily misunderstood. I knew the Word but I did nott have a firm
footing. There were still things in the world that I thought that I
could get around. I understand today if I'm convicted about something
I'm doing that's wrong, I can't do it no matter who else is doing it.
When you know what's right and what's wrong and you do it anyway, there
are consequences. As I tried to fulfill my (wants/needs) once again,
I continued down into that slippery slimy pit. I know for me there is
only one way: JESUS.
"Consider
Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not
grow weary and lose heart. In your struggle against sin, you have not
yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten
that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: "My son,
do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when
he rebukes you because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes
everyone he accepts as a son." Endure hardship as discipline: God
is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?"
Hebrews
12:3-7
I
know the difference between carnality and spirituality. I am not perfect
but I'm working towards perfection. I'm in the storm now! I know that
it's to build my character. Acceptance of that is not always easy. I
have to be honest, open minded and willing to change anything not worthy
of the spirit dwelling within me.
"Therefore
since such a great cloud of witnesses surrounds us, let us throw off
everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let
us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our
eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy
set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at
the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews12:1-2
"When
we face and fully become what we are, rather than what we think we should
be, we open rich possibilities for change."
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