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Sean's
Story
My
name is Sean. I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. Letting go
of the booze, beer, pot and cocaine is the best thing I ever did. I
had a lot of help, of course.
My
story is not necessarily the worst story ever but it certainly made
me hit a bottom that I never saw coming. In my younger days, between
the ages of fifteen and twenty-two, I went to a lot of parties. I stayed
up all-night and met a lot of interesting people. I played guitar and
sang in a local band that did gigs in the Waterbury, CT area. We were
very well known and at one time considered the most popular band in
the city. That lasted until the partying seemed to become more important
than the music. We had been spoiled with free drinks and an excellent
following of friends and family. On many occasions, we did not have
to pay for our drugs. You can probably see exactly where my future was
headed!
As
time went on, I began to find myself purchasing more and more cocaine.
I started to drink a lot more Budweiser, vodka and any shot that you
could put on the bar. Any money that I made for a gig, usually between
$50.00 and $100.00, always went for cocaine. During the week I would
visit my dealer a least 2 or 3 times. The only reason I was able to
take a day or two off from using was that I had run out of money. Some
days I could not come up with a way to steal cash at work. I, also,
could not always come up with items to sell at the local pawnshop.
I lost a couple of jobs in the late eighties and early nineties. I was
a bank teller and my cash drawer ended up short one too many times.
The particular incident that finally cost me my job actually involved
a friend I was trying to help out. In a, not so innocent, bank transaction
I slipped him a few extra dollars.
A
couple of years later, I lost a job as an assistant manager for a well-known
bookstore because I could not handle the job. The reason I could not
handle the job was that I had a hangover just about every morning. I,
also, think they knew I was dipping into the cash but could not prove
it.
My
mother was aware of my problems and I had gone to a few meetings at
her request. I, certainly, was not going for myself. Therefore, I only
stayed clean and sober for a short while.
As
you could expect, began to drink and drug again and things took a turn
for the worse. I started to feel really down and contemplated suicide.
One day, I was balling my eyes out while slowly dragging a carving knife
across my left wrist. I was looking for the courage to take my life.
Today, I am grateful that I had not been drinking that day due to the
fact that I had absolutely no money. I was dead broke and dead on the
inside. Who knows what would have happened if I had been drinking?
The
phone rang that night as I was still sitting in the chair wanting to
die. What happened next I consider nothing short of a miracle. The voice
on the other end was someone I had met at meeting. I was really down
and Mike picked up on that. He told me to pack some clothes and that
he would be over in a few minutes. Mike arrived and took me to a hospital
detox center. I stayed there for a few days and was released.
Although
I stayed sober for a couple of weeks after that, I was not quite ready
to stop drinking for good. I soon found myself without a job and I was
behind on my rent. I actually cancelled my car insurance so that I could
get a small premium refund check in the mail. It helped me get another
cocaine fix.
One
day, in October of 1993, I was jonesin' really bad and I needed more
cocaine. I had lost my job and I just wanted to drink and drug. I went
to the place that I always went to get my cocaine. I had scraped up
enough money to have a couple of beers but nothing else. My anxiety
was at a new high level. I was really messed up by the time I got home
that night. I ended up on the phone with my mother, who had been keeping
tabs on me. I was balling my eyes out and finally admitted that I need
help.
My
mother let me move back in with her with two conditions. First, I had
to go to meetings. Second, I could not come home drunk. If I did have
to leave I probably would have ended up at the YMCA in Naugatuck. Of
course, I agreed to those conditions because I had nowhere else to go.
I
started going to meetings again and was fortunate enough to meet a man
who, later, became my sponsor. I had known this man from a store I used
to work at but I had no idea that he was in recovery.
I
was able to put together nine months of being clean although, eventually,
I had a slip. Also, I also slipped again three months later. That was
the last time I had a drink or used drugs.
I
have been going to meetings ever since. Getting involved with people
at sober events, functions and other gatherings really helped me. I
can not begin to tell you how grateful I am for the gift of recovery.
I could go on for hours talking about how lucky I am today.
One
thing I remember throughout the years is how difficult it was to get
help. My mother was constantly calling around to get me into counseling
or some type of treatment program. Numerous times I was told a waiting
list for outpatient treatment existed and that it could be twenty or
thirty days before that changed. Counselors told me the same thing.
They said I could be seen the following week, however I needed help
right away. It was very frustrating and made me think that nobody cared.
One
of the groups I am involved in with today is the Connecticut Sober Softball
League. The team I played on this year was sponsored by CCAR (Connecticut
Community for Addiction Recovery).
I
have learned that CCAR has helped people get into recovery. They have
created a voice that has made the state of CT listen. Hearing success
stories of addicts who originally struggled to get help convinced me
that CCAR serves a good cause. Addiction is a disease that requires
treatment. CCAR is fighting to let our representatives and legislators
realize this. I encourage others to get involved and find out what they
can do to help.
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